Dark Matter Muddler – The Badass Fruit Smasher

Is this muddler badass? You’re damn right it is. Weighing in at a hefty 14 ounces, the Dark Matter Muddler has the kind of presence that makes limes nervous. One end is rounded for those delicate muddles (mint, berries, your fragile ego), while the other has a harder edge for when you need to unleash total citrus devastation.

Made from food-grade plastic (the same tough stuff used for cutting boards), this beast is dishwasher safe, smell-proof, and absolutely indestructible. Unlike varnished wooden muddlers—which are basically a health hazard with a handle—this won’t shed bits of itself into your Mojito. Unless you actually manage to lose it, this is the muddler you’ll be handing down to your grandchildren, along with your questionable cocktail recipes.

And yes, it’s heavy enough to double as a self-defence weapon. Just saying.

Specifications

• Dimensions: 1.5" diameter × 9.75" long
• Weight: 14oz (built like a tank, swings like one too)
• Material: Food-grade plastic (cutting-board tough)
• Design: Rounded end for soft muddling, flat edge for hardcore smashing
• Dishwasher Safe: Absolutely – no hand-washing required
• Durability: Practically indestructible, unless you throw it into a volcano
• Eco-Friendly: Won’t splinter, crack, or stain – ever